Above: A couple of guys who can relate

Death
[The ageing process]
Rating: 0.1

Holy cows’ hairy assholes, getting closer to the big sleep sucks. The nearer you get to the end of your body’s worthless existence, the more tedious everything becomes. See how happy kids are? That’s cos this shit is off the radar to those dicks. See how miserable most of those coffee-breathed shuffling humans on your commuter train are? Yep, that’s cos they know they’re getting older by the nanosecond, and with every passing tick on their fake Rolex they’re becoming more and more useless. Every burger you stuff in your mouth is one burger nearer to the last you’ll ever eat. Every mildly euphoric orgasm you put your increasingly flabby body through is closer to being the last pop. Every time you put on your favourite song, you know, the one that makes you feel like an untouchable kickass teenager again… yep, you guessed it. One day you’ll listen to that song for the last time and you won’t even know it. Hell, maybe you already did. Your favourite movie? The Godfather? Goodfellas? Casablanca? Breakdance 2: Electric Boogaloo? That’s right – one day soon you’re gonna watch that movie for the last time ever. Oh, it’ll still hang around after you’re gone, getting watched up on all kinds of high-def bull-dung by upstarty pricks that aren’t even alive yet, but you won’t be around for it. Nope. Someone else’s favourite movie now. Get used to it.

Also, death sucks so much cos it’s all so painful and confusing – which are two things that should never happen to one person at the same time. Painful because our dumbass bodies haven’t evolved so far yet that they realise that pain is no longer necessary. Yep, you heard me – what is the holy motherfingering point of pain? It might have served a purpose when we were cave-dwelling jackanapes, hunting dinosaurs and inventing wheels, but that’s cos we didn’t know what fire was back then, and we didn’t realise it would kill us if we were on it for too long. We know now. Being on fire is bad. So we don’t need pain any more to tell us. Are you telling me that the only reason we still have to endure pain is for the presumably small percentage of blind people out there who catch on fire every year? Seems like we’re punishing the many to help out the few here. Political correctness gone fuck-simple, if you care to ask me.

So yeah, pain is a total waste of resources. And confusion? Well, the whole death scenario is pretty confusing due to all the unbelievable claptrap we’ve had fed to us from all kinds of corners. Heaven? Hell? Paradise? Purgatory? Limbo?

I’m sorry?

It’s just…

Well, I thought we were all a bit smarter than that now. It’s very simple: death equals a big load of nothing. It’s OVER. That’s it. Now, you can carry on skipping through your tedious existence not thinking about this or, like me, you can take TEN FUCKING MINUTES every day to think about this: one day you are not going to exist any more. Simple and terrifying as that. Like my dad used to say, “Enjoy your life, son, cos no other fucker’s gonna enjoy it for you.” Yeah, well thanks Dad, but I think I’ll take my advice from someone who hasn’t already gleefully ended three lives, and would be finishing a whole lot more if it weren’t for the justice system.

You – the near future – probably still reading fucking blogs but your balls don’t work

Anyway, the whole death thing is such a huge nightmare, maybe you docile dorks are just as well pretending it’s not going to happen. Maybe you’re all happy to trundle along doing your fucking recycling and inviting neighbors for dinner and watching Mad Men and rapidsharing 320kbps pre-releases and shredding your bank statements and taking your dogs for walks and getting married and drinking vodka tonics and smiling at cute Down’s Syndrome kids and throwing Frisbees and shaving your pussies and your balls, but you know what? Take a good look at that pussy or those balls. Go on – look real hard. Get in closer. See all that sweet shit right there? That nice pussy? Those nice balls? Well, keep lookin’ at ’em, cos one day that’ll all be gone too. Sucks, huh?