There’s a perception that PR agencies in the UK are pretty clueless when it comes to marketing American rappers in Albion, that they don’t really understand where they should be seeking publicity. However, I’ll doubt you’ll ever find a more perfect marriage of artiste and publication than when, around 2004, Lil Flip was interviewed by Retro Gamer magazine. Who could doubt that a bunch of CAMRA members in their mid-40s that spend their evenings writing death threats to the dude who directed King of Kong were clearly the market Flip was targeting in those 18 months he had a career?

I remember absolutely nothing about the interview, so it’s quite conceivable that his absence from rap’s main table over the past half-decade is because he set out to find the hidden level on Rainbow Island. What I’m 95% sure he didn’t mention in the article, however, was that there’s at least ten Commodore 64 games that share their name with middling rappers. So we’re gonna do that ourselves here. And before you ask, yes, Paperboy would have been far too obvious to include. Plus I could never do those end-of-level assault course thingies. What the fuck kind of neighbourhood has an assault course at the top of every street anyway?

Freeway (Published by Systems Editoriale, 1989)

What a Freeway C64 game should have entailed:  Some manner of Tamagotchi-style beard-growing simulator, possibly with a bonus round mini-game where, after growing your facial hair to a sufficient bushiness, you run around a maze trying to avoid a gang of sentient Gilette Mach 3s. Or whatever they used to trim taches in 1989. What the Freeway C64 game actually is: On the real: fuck Frogger forever. And fuck even shittier versions of Frogger where the frog looks like a bowtie drawn with green Staybrite bricks.

Mr C (Published by JAM, 1991)

What a Mr C C64 game should have entailed: A homage to Burger Time where you literally are eating off BIG’s first LP. What the Mr C C64 game actually is: Perhaps the most knocked-together pinball simulator in history, where you repeatedly bounce your monochrome ball off a monochrome BMW logo, and that’s it. Just as a comparison for these graphics, Mr C was released in the same year as Super Mario World. And people wondered why the Commodore was unable to hold off the rise of the consoles?

Saigon (Unknown publishers, 1988)

What a Saigon C64 game should have entailed: Monkey Island-style point-and-click extravaganza. Exchange cattish insults with your enemies (Joe Budden: My wisest enemies run away at the sight of me. Saigon: Even before they smell your breath?)! Arm yourself with a cutlass in prepreation for a slapstick duel with Mobb Deep Wander aimlessly around a run-down backwards environ (Brooklyn) for years on end before realising you’re supposed to be releasing a fucking album at some point! What the Saigon C64 game actually is: Cheap’n’cheerful shoot-em-up game which, despite being called Saigon, appears to be set in the North African days of the French Foreign Legion, as your Clouseau-esque character stumbles about popping caps at Arabian guards who don’t bother to turn around if you start firing endless bullets at them.

The Game (Published by The Skull, 1995)

What a The Game C64 game should have entailed: Stealth game where you have to get as close to Dr Dre without him noticing you’re there. Bonus points for going through his garbage in order to find comb he’s thrown away so you can attach hair to your Andre Young realdoll.
What the The Game C64 game actually is: I have no idea whatsoever. There’s an X, and an O, and occasionally the O shoots an arrow out, and then it says “game over”. In fairness, it may have been a fault to review so many of these games without access to a manual for any of them.

Oh No (Published by Silver, 1988)

What an Oh No C64 game should have entailed: Platform romp where you stun enemies into catatonic slumber by playing them beats constructed entirely from samples of blind Eritrean street beggars, leading to an end boss battle where you ask Madlib if he can lend you £30 until payday. What the Oh No C64 game actually is: Frantic (or at least what passed for frantic in 1988) shoot-em-up where you take charge of a pear drop that shoots rusted screws at a load of enemies that look like Simon Says electronic toys.

The Terrorists (Published by Virgin Games, 1984)

What a The Terrorists C64 game should have entailed: Business strategy game where you aim to make the greatest profit possible by selling mediocre Rap-A-Lot CDs to Scandinavian southern rap stans on eBay. What the The Terrorists C64 game actually is: You move the silhouette of a white van around a brown background which I think is meant to be the desert, but has no marks on it. To your right is a helicopter, to your left is a kitten heeled shoe… these are both the same size. Being a terrorist is kinda dull, on balance.

Napoleon (Published by J&F Publishing, 1999)

What a Napoleon C64 game should have entailed: The C64 classic Frankie Goes To Hollywood saw you control a robot that slowly turned into a rock star: each successful activity undertaken would morph you slowly from the former to the latter. So Napoleon’s game would be exactly the same, except replace “robot” with “weed carrier for one-testicled rapist” and “rock star” with “humourless and quite frankly scary Islamic fundamentalist”. What the Napoleon C64 game actually is: A fucking solitaire game made in 1999, around six years after everyone had sold their C64s at car boots. I suppose at this point in history a C64 was cheaper than a pack of cards though, so maybe this game made economic sense at the time.

Havoc (Published by Players Premier, 1990)

What a Havoc C64 game should have entailed: So I was gonna make a gag here it being some sort of collect-n-drop game, where you literally “bring stuff to the table” and then other characters question it, but then I remembered it was Prodigy that wrote that. Then I was gonna quip about some sort of Innerspace bullet hell game where you blast sickle cell into oblivion, but that was Prodigy as well. Are we to take it that Mobb Deep are the Krays of rap, where one of them is gay and insane and fucked Barbra Windsor and was a champion boxer, and the other one has no distinguishing characteristics whatsoever in isolation? What the Havoc C64 game actually is: Fun enough budget game worthy pastiche of mid-80s arcade classic Slap Fight. You think I’m gonna snark on every entry here, you’ve got another thing coming.

B.O.B. (Published by Ludger Dinklebach, 1984)

What a B.O.B. C64 game should have entailed: Ludger Dinklebach. What the B.O.B. C64 game actually is: Ludger Dinklebach

Do Or Die (Published by CP Verlag, 1994)

What a Do Or Die C64 game should have entailed: Two-part multiload game. The first half is a shoot-em-up section where you only have to kill one opponent. The second half is a slower, more reflective text adventure where you spend ten years in prison pondering the fact that you’re the only currently incarcerated rapper that people aren’t crying out for the release of. What the Do Or Die C64 game actually is: Something to do with… energy? It’s in German so I’m not sure. I think I just landed a spaceship, though, so that’s good.