A new series, created partly because the author’s knowledge of hip-hop stops abruptly in 2005 when he got tired of being threatened by mates of Roots Manuva and knows more about splatter films than modern hip-hop, and partly because it’s a reference to an insanely obscure mid-90s group who were mates with Killah Priest. Welcome, then, to Splattahouse: or Films That Necro Would Like.

And what a place to start. Embodiment Of Evil, which is out know on genuinely incredible general DVD release in the UK, is fucking sick. And not sick-meaning-good but sick-meaning-I-actually-think-it-should-be-banned. Seriously, this isht is fucked the fuck up. For one thing, it’s Brazilian and actually won loads of awards over there. For another, it’s the cumulation of a cinematic trilogy that began in 1963 (suck on that, George A. Romero!). But mainly… Well, the film… It’s just… JESUS.

Seriously. I would happily while away a pleasant Sunday afternoon watching Nekromantik or introducing a friend’s parents to the delights of Cannibal Holocaust, but Embodiment Of Evil is next level when it comes to the horror. It’s the last part of the Coffin Joe trilogy, Coffin Joe being a scary fucker with enormous fingernails who is convinced that he possesses powerful seed that should be shared only with a woman who is similarly powerful. And so, instead of taking women out on pleasant dinner dates, he tortures them, horribly, the idea being that if they survive, they are worthy of his load. Except they generally don’t survive.

The action in Embodiment… starts in 2008, with Coffin Joe being released from an insane asylum after forty years. Within minutes, he’s headed straight for a subterranean dungeon looking for hot chicks to woo, ‘woo’ in this case meaning ‘torture to death.’ There then unfolds a good 75 minutes of the most awful, generally misogynistic (although, props to Joe, he kills a fair old amount of men too) sadism I have ever seen. We’re talking scalping, flaying, forced self-cannibalism, dudes being hauled into the air on hooks, all that good shit. And when he’s NOT torturing people’s ass to death, Joe is having quasi-religious visions of human depravity and carnage that actually make you wish you were still watching the torture scenes. We won’t give too much game away, but let’s just say that, well, at least one dick gets eaten. And not in a good way. Happily, Joe dies at the end – fair play if you even get that far.

Embodiment Of Evil thinks it’s making lots of clever points about religious fervour, the violence of sex, eugenics and all that good shit, but the reality is that it’s just HORRIBLE, wall-to-wall. I actually threw my copy away in case I ever felt the need to watch it again, but I know now that that will never happen. It’s just too much to bear. And, to reiterate, it’s available on general release, certificate 18. Now let’s see how long it is before a white rapper from Luton calls himself Coffin Joe and released the Embodiment Of Evil EP. I reckon four weeks, tops.